West Ham v Chicago Cubs and a book you MUST read!

Here is the book you must read. I’ll explain later and you can borrow my copy if you like!

WELL….. I did something I never normally do on Saturday afternoon. I turned the TV soccer off with 20 minutes to go. That’s right, the same weekend the Premier League set a new record for goals. I bet you can’t guess which game? Newcastle v Arsenal. The gooners were cruising with a 0-4 lead and I figured ‘time to load the washing machine…’  Who knew that Alan Pardew (yes, the ex West Ham Coach) would turn his Jordie team around having sold their main striker and nick 4 goals to steal a draw. Come back Pards – we love you now.

I have walked away from only one live game in my life – at Upton Park. West Ham were losing 0-1 to some bunch of idiots and I decided to leave early. You know, beat the rush n’ all that. Walking round the back of the old east stand DeFoe stuck a late equalizer in and the roar of the crowd told me all I needed to know. I remember watching England v Hungary at the old ‘Wembley’. Terrible seats down behind the goal and the only magic was watching Lineker make amazing runs across the pitch. England scraped a draw and I was with a few tennis coaches (clearly a mistake to start with). They wanted to leave FIFTEEN minutes early. I nearly cried. Wars have been declared, fought, won and lost in less time than that. We all know how long Mr. Clough (The Damned United) said it takes to score a goal. I could, therefore (albeit physically impossible yet mathematically on the cards) be missing 900 goals. I compromised. We stood at the top of the stairs watching England hold onto the draw. Then ran for the tube. I never took them again.

The other time (and yes, I know I am digressing a little here) I went to Wembley in the evening was England v Argentina. AND I was with a friend from Argentina. Again a draw, but a great game and a night when England wore those great cherry red ‘thick’ shirts. That was the first time I really understood why Gary Neville always looked at the ground, when playing for England during the national anthem line ups as the camera runs across their faces. He couldn’t look up and sing – he was too emotional. I got it that night. Neville retired this weekend. Cut from the same cloth as Stuart Pearce I think.

The magical moment at the Argie game was not the match itself but walking out after the game. The old Wembley had a wide pedestrian walkway down and then up to Wembley Park tube station. It was around 10pm, dark and cold as several thousand of us walked behind mounted police. At the underpass the police stopped us – the station platforms were full and we were the next round to go in. There was a cold silence as we all stood, 4 thousand of us with 8 or 9 police on horses. Suddenly someone shouted: “I’m Spartacus!”. Silence. He then said: “come on…..I’m Spartacus!” Slowly the crowd responded with shouts of: “NO, I’m Spartacus”. The police just sat and looked at us. Oh well, I may see a copper smile one day.

OK – back to the story. Even Inter and Roma managed 8 goals, 4 of which came in the last 30 minutes. West Ham? Couldn’t even score one against those muppets from Birmingham. I call them muppets freely as I have actually never met a Birmingham City fan in my life. I suspect they are all clones like those Stormtroopers from Star Wars without the white suits, guns and generally high level of marching skills etc.

My depression reminded me of a conversation I had once. Not an argument, oh no, not with this chap. Just a conversation. It went like this…

(me) “So West Ham are a club that people like because they play good football and have a good history, a bit like the (Chicago) Cubs…”

(him) “Oh, I don’t think so. The Cubs have far more fans than West Ham and are more popular.”

That was it. I backed off from my (typically when someone stamps on the Hammers) next comment….

(me) “MATE, do you see the tattoo? Do you see it, MATE? There’s only one thing worth doing with a bat at Wrigley Field and that’s sticking it……etc” 

You see my point I suspect. Anyway, I did some thinking on the Hammers v Cub thing so here we go. Now, Chicago is about as big as London – but there are only 2 baseball teams whereas London has over 20 soccer teams with at least 6 in the Premier League. Everyone in the world plays soccer. Last time I checked more countries were affiliated with FIFA than the United Nations. So lots of people know West Ham and last time I checked no one was playing catch with a ‘mitt’ on the beach in Rio.

Anyway. West Ham United v Chicago Cubs

Why are the two teams similar?

1)       They lose a lot. ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ clearly should be sung at Wrigley

2)       Cute location, lots of people walking to games

3)       Plenty of hearty cheering despite results

4)       Terrible food and beer at both locations

5)       Perfect grass at both locations

6)       Old and somewhat historic stadiums

7)       Usually full attendance despite no chance of a win

8)       Both teams have players who drop the ball a lot

9)       Tendency to lose badly in especially important games

10)   Lots of time spent in bars post match to drown sorrows

Why are the two teams different?

1)       The Cubs play 4,000 games a year so clearly can’t be bothered

2)       You can drink your weak beer IN your seats at Wrigley, which helps on bad days

3)       The Wrigley bathrooms make a cell toilet in Guantanamo Bay look 5 star

4)       We don’t bother singing the National Anthem at Upton Park, we sing BUBBLES

5)       People don’t swear at baseball. Nor do they abuse the opposition.

6)       It’s cold all the time at Upton Park.

7)       West Ham players spit for a reason, rather than just to look cool or hard, like the Cubs

8)       There are no cute girls at Upton Park

9)       We fight people after the game at Upton Park

10)   There are travelling fans singing abuse at us at Upton Park, which is desired

OK. I do like the cubs and have seen the likes of Sandberg, Sosa and the guy ‘with the nearly profane last name’ hit home runs. Baseball can be like soccer. We too will still for a long time and be prepared to see only one goal, but the refs don’t wear masks and only the goalkeeper wears gloves.

Hammers v Cubbies – a winner? I’ve no idea. But all three of my kids can sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’ and ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ – priceless.

Just for kicks – if there was a depressing moment at Upton Park and we sang some kind of ‘seventh innings stretch’ it would be this:

“Get me out to the Boleyn; get me out to the pub.

Buy me a lager and a bar snack, I don’t care if I ever go back.

So its 3 points down the drain old mate,

The Hammers never win big games,

For its ‘oops he dropped it’ and they scored

Once again…”

And the book? It is very good book and has tremendously interesting perspectives and analysis of the game across the world. As an Englishman it was hard to get past the first chapter entitled ‘Why England loses and others win….’