Don't ever buy this book. However bad the cabin fever is...

Don't ever buy this coaching book.

More on that later...

Cabin fever is starting to set in after three days without school. It is pretty cold outside and even a good old 1970’s orange ball is not enough to entice me outside for a kick around. Indiana is cold – despite being further ‘south’ than London, really bloody cold. However, 14F (-10C) on a crisp clear day is miles better than a cold, wet and windy day on the south east coast without a tree for shelter in site.

This has brought back memories of soccer in the wet and cold. I moved through several phases of ‘cold management’ throughout my playing life. And in summary (and proving I am struggling with the been inside for a long time thing):

Stage One: No control whatsoever. Cub Scout Soccer.

These were the early days before I knew what cold was. They didn’t let us play in the cold. Foggy, yes. Frosty, maybe. Freezing, no chance.

Stage Two: Shut up and get on with it son. School Soccer.

I wore a strangely mesh-like white shirt that was three sizes too small. My forearms stuck out of the shirt and it never stayed tucked in at the waist. You did not have anything extra if on the subs bench. I clearly remember playing a game over on Canvey v Cornelius. Drainage issues on the reclaimed land (thanks Holland) meant the ball was forever in the ditch. It was a grim, soulless, windswept place. Weak goalkeepers often never cleared the penalty areas with goal kicks. I remember watching the winter storm ride east up the Thames valley while drifting aimlessly out on the right wing. It started raining, then sleeting. It was thoroughly miserable. As the sleet hit us sideways I remember the ball being rolled diagonally across the box about 15 yards ahead of me. All I had to do was move my arse and stick it in the back of the net, but I didn’t. I was too cold and that memory has lived with me all my life. Ok, therapy time over.

Stage Three: The thermal t-shirt. School soccer onwards.

Now I was in business, thanks to a nifty purchase by my mum. The ‘ribbed for extra warmth’ shirt was the ticket. My upper body was warm and suddenly life existed. No help with the rest of your body. I remember a cold day v Park School. The keeper cleared the ball during a mêlée in the penalty area and it hit me right in the nuts. As the ball dropped I poked the ball in the back of the net. It wasn’t until we reset at the halfway line the pain started to set in. Colder might have helped that day.

Stage Four: Bicycle shorts. College onwards.

We all thought we were the business with our black lycra undershorts on. That’s real lycra you know, not cheapo Woolworths special stretchy material. It was a fashion statement and the question was how far did you have them sticking out below your shorts. Didn’t do anything for your chances of reproducing however and the girls were more interested in 100m men’s sprinting on telly now.

Stage Five: Upper body v Lower body. The Borough Rovers Days.

There was couple of years where regardless of thermal t-shirt or undershorts, I experimented with warming up on cold days with either extra bottoms only or an extra top only. At the end no real decision either way. That could be because it rained most of the time so whatever you wore was soaking wet – or because key sections of my memory were lost following the post match analysis (which loosely translates as ‘drink at the rugby club-oh its curry night stay for a few more beers-and its karaoke night too, well you should have said and yes I’d love another pint of whatever the hell I just drunk 6 pints of).

Stage 6: The all-in-one. Rayleigh Town and retirement.

Now this was the holy grail of winter outfits. I recently saw an ATT man working up a pole with one on the other day and he looked cozy. This was cozy. In fact, so cozy it really forced you to think twice when deciding if you should take one of those ‘as a sub I am warming up in the hope you, the coach, are thinking of putting me on’ runs. It was Antarctic proof. I mean market them to penguins and there is no need for all the standing around for half the year. The lack of a personal bathroom facility built into the suit was a downside, but it was supremely warm. Too warm in fact. And cozy, yes really cozy…

Stage 7: USA

Who the hell plays soccer outside in the winter? I now play indoors. I have recently discovered the venue; Off The Wall Sports actually strips about 5% of the available oxygen from the air and sells it off. My lungs feel like we are playing in Nepal. Temperature is no longer an issue. The problem is those games at 10:25pm. Now, I could start on that issue….but will spare you the ‘classic red cards through time’.

Like most outdoor sports, the climate during which the game is played has an impact on styles of play. The English game is fast and there are similarities in Scandinavia etc. If you don’t get moving you freeze. Southern Europe and warmer climates have played a slower game. Less need to get warm and more importantly to pace yourself in the heat or humidity. South American countries rarely win the F.I.F.A. World Cup when it is held in Europe. South Africa hosted during their winter and at the same time zone and Europe. Despite ESPN et al’s attempts to sell us South American magic post USA exit, only one team, Uruguay, made it to the semi-finals. You should put money on Brazil or Argentina for 2014. Brazil is hosting and I’ll be surprised if a European country win.

One would hope a windy and cold country like England would produce a fast and skilful game played on the ground. Maybe the muddy fields counter that theory. Unfortunately for many years the English game was plagued with ‘longballitis’ and the main tactic was pump it up for the big lump upfront to knock it in. It works when defenders lack the skill to control the ball as the errors from the long ball pressure build up. Much of this ‘style’ was created following a statistical study by Charles Hughes of the number of passes leading up to a goal. Most goals are scored with one touch or less. So, errors, corners, free kicks, penalty kicks all drive the data in that direction. But the F.A. made the mistake of assuming less passes = more goals. Tactics became pump it forward and that led to a lack of technical skill development.

As I mentioned at the start, don’t buy this book, unless you like classic ‘Roy of the Rovers’ style volleying technique from Kevin Keegan:

 Of course you know I am going to mention West Ham at this point – but it is relevant. The Hammers style has never been about the long ball. It may help to relieve pressure at times, enable an ‘out of position’ defender to be exploited or allow a strong forward to collect, hold and wait for his team to move and support – but there is no real quality. It’s one of the reasons England hasn’t won the World Cup for a long time, and probably wont for a long time to come. Now, if every club in England followed the same system as the Hammers Youth Academy then maybe. If you are interested in finding out what does work it is worth looking into the system of coaching at clubs like Ajax in Holland.

That, of course is another entire blog.

So, what did we gather from this cold / long ball blog? I am not sure really. I can tell you I do not wear undergarments designed to keep me warm while playing soccer any more. I am a ‘soft’ indoor soccer player who complains to my good friend Mark Thacker each spring when we do have to play on that ‘cow field’ outdoors at Eagle Creek. Many of my memories are of cold, wet and windy locations, which is ironic as I am from the south east of England. Traditionally the driest and at times warmest spot in the country.

Just for kicks, here are the five places I have never, and hope to never play soccer in England. This is entirely based on temperature and rainfall. The fish & chips may be great but don’t bother to pack the sun cream. Dress for a visit to Pluto / Monsoon and you’ll be quids in.

1)      Grimsby

2)      Hartlepool

3)      Workington

4)      Sunderland

5)      Morecambe

Sorry to residents of these towns. I know you all hate Southend if that makes you feel better.