Day 6 - coming tomorrow, Tuesday, March 1.

OK - home in Indy. Knackered. Great blog coming tomorrow covering Day 6. Don't hate me!

Day 5 - Time to face the music. Can we meet Academy standards?

With only two days left we had one serious hurdle to navigate. A coaching session assessment held by Paul Heffer at the training ground. A trip home lay in wait for me later in the day, plus the prospect of a pitch side visit of Upton Park during the West Ham v Liverpool game. I felt like a kid again with a dentist appointment looming ahead. Not even the promise of tea with the Queen to receive a knighthood immediately after a visit to Mr. Keane, the Irishman with a drill was enough to ease my pain.

So, how did the day work out?

Breakfast - a lovely cup of tea and still had the same view from the window.

We met for a smashing ride through Newham for the Chadwell Heath training ground. Assessment time. Previous plans had been for our group to pair up and coach Academy players. Unfortunately, the weather meant all outdoor work was called off which left us working within our group. My plan for success was scuppered - I figured I just needed to offer the players some kind of bribe and get them to do what they normally do and I would wave my hands about shouting key phrases such as:
- drive
- check your shoulder
- play off your back foot
Then asking them what they thought they needed to do and agreeing with them. Plenty of praise, use some cones etc etc. My only issue was the nature of the bribe, assuming anything in the sale at the club store would be received badly. It got me thinking about the relationship between a successful bribe (for an 11 year old) and the decade in which it was offered.

Using my long 41 year life it may look like this:
In the 70's - nothing, if my dad said do it I did
In the 80's - a finger of fudge
In the 90's - a finger of fudge and a wagonwheel
In the 00's - the above plus a jaffa cake

Now, I grew up in England. So I shall make the US conversion:
In the 70's - $50
In the 80's - $50 and the promise of a car when 16
In the 90's - a Jon Bon Jovi full hairstyling
In the 00's - a BMW

So without plan A available I went for plan B.
'offer to run a warm up then rotate into a complex drill which sounds great even if no one has any bloody idea what is going on'




It worked. I was done and the other guys followed. All survived even with the experienced eye of Paul Heffer upon us. His feedback was excellent. Here are three points coaches out there may want to consider:
1) Beware familiarity. Just because you use the drill a lot doesn't mean you coach it well.
2) Check you language. An instruction may be obvious to you but not a child.
3) Save the laughs till the end - if at all. You'll lose them if you ease back on the player-coach relationship too early in a session.

Ironically the hardest part was getting the job done as the senior coaches prepared to work with the first team and reserves. You (well, I) always have these OMG moments as senior players walk past. Sorry, I just love West Ham United.

We wondered about and discussed then big game v Liverpool. I noticed Scott Parker meeting with Avram Grant immediately before their training starts. Last stand? The Liverpool game has a lot at stake. Oh, got to say hi to Freddie Sears. Surreal, especially as we are all wearing West Ham coaching jackets etc.

We moved Inside for Paul's last session with us on defensive 4 and midfield 4 adjustment. Magic stuff. Dishes and waves - it's simple and Paul took us through a number of scenarios. Then it is time for West Ham United Academy Diploma Certificates. We have made it. Mark sums up the week with a comment re the honor as a coach of being coached by the best of the best.

The coaches left for stadium - it's a free afternoon. I'm off to mum & dad's house in Essex. I grabbed a ride with Paul home for a night with my parents and spent some time sitting in the coaching office as Nick Paul and the staff make changes to tomorrow's youth games v Chelsea. Some games are being moved to Cobham as The home pitches are waterlogged. Kevin Keene, Wally Downes and the gang are eating a spot of lunch in the canteen after senior training. Again, surreal. Killing some time in the parking lot is like a 'best of top gear' line up - Ferrari Porsche Bentley Aston-Martin Audi and even cars in 'stealth black'

I am keeping a low profile - I want to be allowed back next year.

Home in Essex means roast dinner and hugs. Lovely to see mum and dad. My old mate Dave popped round for a chat - we used to play in the street together for years. This is the hole under the Barnes' fence when the ball went over...



England beat France at rugby. Dad's got port and mum makes a lovely cup of tea.



I finally get to visit the very first place I played organized football. King Georges Park. 2nd Rayleigh Cub Scout Football. Magic.

Day 4 - the stuff of dreams.

It's already been an incredible week. And no, I am not one of those fake 'reviewers' on trip advisor. See pic below for evidence:




Day 4 proved to be the kind of day I hope to tell my grandchildren about. Even Ella (one of my beautiful nearly 6 year old triplets) said..... No, you're kidding...

It's going to be a lengthy blog. Sorry. None of that 140 character tweet crap. Some things are worth savoring, and the beginning is an excellent place to start.

Woke to find Bobby and Trevor outside my room. Maybe the east stand should be named after Scot Parker. Breakfast, skipped the full deal. Staying in shape prepares me physically for the one moment Avram peers over and sees me as the answer to his troubles.

Off to Littleheath heavy with the fresh smell of an English victory. Small French man with hand in jacket seen running into bushes. Au revior. It's time for another session with the U17 blended squad. Solid warm up incorporating another version of the multiple touches drill. We're all watching the lad who needs a rocket. He gets it. The others are sharp and agile. It's time to put the tall center back on trial from Chelsea through his paces - Nick sets up a 8v8 game situation emphasizing heading - thus putting our trialist under pressure. You can tell he may have a chance by looking at the way the other players involve him. I'm not the expert but he doesn't look out of place and the other players work him in.

Magically, the group moves to a 6v4 defensive drill. I am the happiest man out there. Spent a career beating the defense so back four organization is not my strong point. OH MY - it's simple, again. OK, so I get it and now will take The Gryphons to a state championship as no one will ever score against us.

Having solved the mystery of the 'back four' (a close second behind mysteries such as the offside rule, Boy George's gender and who shot J.F. Kennedy) I contemplate moving on to bringing peace to the Middle East. Ah, at West Ham, so instead, I pick Paul's brains on beating a US style sweeper system. Another joyous moment. Park Tudor, I'd start pulling a Chinese number and building a bloody big wall. Or give your lad a broom and send him off to the dressing room.

Sandwiches and the Matrix.




Mmmmmm. Interesting and I know there are lots of people out there who will want to buy this. Personally I have two alternatives:
a) four people calling out numbers out to you
b) six bits of ply from Lowes / Wickes and a box of screws
Somewhat of an inside joke there - sorry. A picture speaks a 1000 words.

At Chadwell Heath we are being coached by Paul Heffer again.




It's a grueling 2 hours for a 41 year old, the boys do a good job (us coaches) - Mark is full of beans, Mike shines and Darren, from Gillingham FC knows his stuff. Once again, so many drills I'll need time to lay them out for you. Paul has us combining technical skills with vision. It's really hard to continue to concentrate. That may be how everyone feels, or is it time to up my dosage? One huge reason it is difficult is the reserves training over the back and a couple of goalkeepers working out. Just too far away to see who they are......but there they are. Then Kevin Keen walks over. Just one magic touch away from that contract.... Paul takes us through a selection of warm up drills emphasizing touches, we work on communication when passing in a diamond, play some 3v3 and end with a little 7v7 end zone. The last game is cracking - one player for each team in a end zone. Get them the ball to score. Play it forward whenever you can. Magic.




When the first team and reserves train at Chadwell Heath everyone else stays away. But life is all about timing. In the space of 5 minutes while running an errand I see Benny McCarthy, get a nod from Jack Collison and a "morning" from Robbie Keane. None of them want a hug right now - at home I managed to keep my distance from Jeff Saturday each day at school - So I can do it here but it's tough especially as Keano looks like he is a cuddly kind of guy. So, nothing too cra-za-sie. Later, however, I pull a Rodney and really embarrass myself. Get to watch the reserves train for a moment. Nice.

Back at Chadwell Heath, Ben Illingworth makes good on his promise and we re-visit the home dressing room and pitch. We take a seat in the dressing room like Ben is going to tear into us for conceding 2 goals in the last 15 minutes when in walks Robert Green. A nod then he disappears. Seconds later he is back and sits with us - a quick chat as Ben fills him in on who we all are - Robert chats and then it's clear he's in for a shower.




We leave. No pics, sorry ladies. Mr. Green is polite, quiet and super fit. I need a month at the gym to recover my self esteem.




Now it's time to visit the pitch. Doug, the head groundsman explains the story of the field. It's cutting edge, 90% sand with a kind of matting underneath, partly artificial turf and has two undersoil heating systems.

One is piping with water 10" down working at temps down to -10 celcius, the other is a subsurface air system that can literally vacuum water away and in reverse keep water at the surface in the summer.

Blimey. Worth kissing after all. A number of comical stories relating to the placement of ashes ensue. Not for this blog, sorry.

And the magical bit? I'll save you the words and just bullet point. It's too much to write about. I get to:
a) walk across the pitch




b) have my picture taken at the Bobby Moore end




c) kiss the center circle




d) kiss the Hammers badge as you walk out
e) walk around like it is the prematch walkabout at the FA Cup final
f) sit in Avram's recaro seat
                                     
g) make a movie of me kicking off, attacking and scoring to save West Ham from relegation.

OK - that should do it.

Wait, no. I drop $300 in the store and will have my new jacket printed with MS tomorrow. Pics to follow. All the guys buy stuff and a staff discount rocks. Thanks ladies for staying open longer.

Dinner. Steak. Fish and Chips with brown sauce. Chocolate Cake and cream. And I still have my secret sticky pudding in the drawer.

So there it is. A fabulous day. I am forever blowing bubbles. I really am...

Day 3 - The Battle of Littleheath - West Ham v Nantes (France)

Since 1066 the English have lived in the shadow of a French invasion and defeat. West Ham had already won a world cup for England, how about some revenge sur La France. Smashing idea.

Here is the day as it happened:

Breakfast. Restricted myself to Weetabix only as I feel cereal followed by English Breakfast may be packing my arteries with unnecessary gloop. Libya was still falling apart - I understand the complexities of maintaining national security but surely the Hammers back four can keep a clean sheet on Sunday...

We watched a U17 blend of ages including some reserves be put through their paces. One England international, a Polish international and a few other talented lads. Interesting to see how Nick and Paul took no prisoners regardless of who they are. It's fast paced with touch and vision orientated. The grids cut up quickly yet watching the level of skill on a slippery and bumpy surface was impressive. It was interesting to watch each player and know who has been offered a contract. It may not be as effective a motivational tool as one think. One or two players may feel they have made it and my require a reminder. One tale of old was offered on this: a worried player once asked why he was being spoken to about getting back on track - the coach replied 'when I stop talking to you is when you should worry, son'.

West Ham U15 v Nantes (France). The Hammers won 4-2 but should have been 6-0 up by halftime. The Nantes team improved in the second half but were always inferior. Their coach explained after that West Ham played too fast. He should spend time coaching his players to kick the ball rather than opponents and wait to exchange shirts at the end rather than stealing them during play.

Our mission as Academy coaches was to identify talent. We picked out 4 players, Diamond, who scored a couple of goals, Courtney, who looked smooth as a center back and a wonderful Kevin Keen 'look-a-like' in center midfield. Player 4, Kieron, held the whole thing together in midfield. The coaches said Kieron played at 70% of his potential and you could tell there are great expectations for the lad. Day 3 and we'd found our next potential star.




We met Greg, the sport scientist. He talked real-time heart rate monitoring (to make sure work rates are up), pre and post session activities and nutrition. Players have a carb-protein based electrolyte drink following each session. Sometimes a banana is thrown in for good measure.





The afternoon was spent being coached by Paul Heffer. It really is a simple game and as Paul coaches us we see it. Great drills for small and large groups. Emphasizing vision, awareness and lots of touches on the ball. I think we did OK as Paul coached us - although video evidence may prove costly to my reputation as 'nearly' sane. Details on the drills will come in later blogs. But, again we are pushed mentally.

At Chadwell Heath we talked to Nick Heycock, the Education Office and watched more talented kids. There were less than 30 players working inside but at least 7 coaches were present. Others stood to the side and discussed player progress and simply watched their colleagues work. Once again, attention to detail and sessions that made players think as hard as they physically worked. Nick's session on education was revealing and demonstrated the frustrating nature of a marriage between schools and soccer. It's perfect on neither side of the Atlantic.

An excellent discussion developed on the primary differences in education systems with respect to student involvement in non-school sport. I suspect Nick's background as a PE teacher enables him to work more efficiently than most. Interestingly, the more I watch Paul and Nick work the more see 'good practice' from a purely educational perspective. They would be effective in school or academy. Part of the success of the academy is based upon teaching ability and understanding the children you are working with. Both US & UK soccer governing bodies should base their coaching courses with simple good practice in the classroom. It's core to success in coaching any sport.

And so to Upton Park, inspired, impressed and knackered - Bobby Moore was still outside my window. Lovely. I am still working on how to get on that pitch this Sunday. Latest plan is to disguise myself as a corner flag. It works like this: go on a cabbage water diet, lose 100 lbs and put some heavy books on my head - paint body white - attach a small claret flag to my now pencil like head - sneak outside and kidnap existing flag - replace said flag - stand really still for a couple of days in that spot.




To add the element of reality to my 'corner flag replacement plan' I have spent a few hours each day standing on the tube and not holding the danglely things. Hoping I'll achieve a bendy corner flag post-ness in time for Sunday. Oh by the way, that's Nantes warming up in the background. Figured I could break the law just a little bit.

Day 3 dinner was cracking. Sticky toffee pudding - see evidence below. I took an extra one for bedtime. Only 2,398 calories per serving. Not sure how many servings one pudding constitutes.




One never knows when an extra pudding will come in handy. If the social unrest in North Africa spreads to Europe - I could survive for a week or so on one pudding. So I put in my spare pudding in the bedside drawer...

Day 2 - and yes, Bobby Moore is still outside my window.

Day 2 - The West Ham adventure continues...

Just checking to make sure Bobby Moore is still out there....


Yep. Lovely to see the sunrise over beautiful East Ham - I'll take you on a little tour this Saturday and we'll follow my families footsteps from 120 Wakefield Street to the Chicken Run in the East Stand.

So, Day 2. And yes, I did get to kick a ball in front of at least four West Ham coaches and no I haven't been offered a contract yet. Hope springs eternal.

Here was the day for you:

Breakfast - English and full. You can't beat a morning banger, beans and bacon. Looks like the 'bound to lose weight while coaching' theory is not going to hold up. Good conversation while Libya falls apart in the background. Still all wondering what Chelsea would do without Anelka.

Mike Kelleher rans us through the state of play with respect to soccer academies. He used to work for the Premier League, so he knows the set up and rules inside out. There were 34 created back in '98 off the back of Howard Wilkinson's 'Charter for Excellence' - and that name should strike fear into the heart of any soccer guru. He managed Leeds..... West Ham has always been part of the system and is making serious moves to step in line with the FA's newest plan to grade academies on a 1 to 5 scale. I'll speak more about the rules but let's say there are many rules and much is designed to ensure quality and manage the amount of soccer a child plays in each year. Michael Owen is a great example of what happens before the system is created - he played around 100 games a year for several teams and as a professional has been plagued with injuries. Ben Illingworth joins the conversation and adds he went to school with Chris Waddle - classic tales follow!

Next, a quick tour of the ground. We'll tAke a more detailed visit on Froday but this is the point, as a Hammers fan, that the blood pressure rises. I'll let the pics do the talking.....


Chairman's room


Director's box


Their view of the pitch


Liz is a Hammers fan...


Dressing room..........





Tunnel



Touching, but not stealing, damaging or upsetting the PITCH. OMG...

OK, you see I have never touched the grass before. I've played at Roots Hall, home of the Shrimpers aka Southend Utd. Unfortunately the only shot I had that day went over the old north end and down Prittlewell Chase.

Off to the training ground. Raining and field sodden so we're inside. We were met by Paul Heffer, who talked to us about the academy more and we looked at how the club uses video to anaylsis performance of players, the team and opponents. Much discussion about the style and technique of a handful of players at Barcelona. Their systems are held in high regard. Much more on that in a later blog.

Then it's was time to put on the boots. Which should I wear? Which would propel me to stardom and have the Hammers reaching Champions League status in one season off the back of my 3 goals a game?

Went for comfort over speed. Ian and then Trevor put us through our paces. 2 hours of coaching typically given to the U11 players. I feel old, jet lagged and slow. Managed to score one lovely goal and then run majestically to hug Paul in celebration. Unfortunately then moment Avram Grant walked in was probably the second time I was on my arse.

We spent time reviewing Barcelona's style of play, which is a contributing factor in the review of coaching at West Ham. Already an outstanding academy yet never leaving a stone unturned. We joined the academy coaches inservice and looked at the benefits of a 4-3-3 system. Nick talked us through the possibilities and then we went outside to watch a mix of U13 and U14 run a 4-4-2 v 4-3-3 game with every coach watching.

Several years ago Paul started talking about a player called Joe Cole. He said he'll play for England one day - the same conversation happened with Glen Johnson. It doesn't always work out but when we were told to look for Alfie, we paid attention. Currently Alfie is a stand out player. Magic to watch and breathes some life back into the hope for the Hammers and England.

We finished off with some U12 indoors and then back to the hotel at the stadium.

While Libya collapses, Manchester Utd were on the telly in the Champions League. Dour compared to 4-4-2 v 4-3-3. One swallow does not make a summer, neither does one overhead kick make a player. Alfie gets my vote over Rooney every time.

So Day 2 drew to a close with more plans to get on the pitch this Sunday. Latest idea - dress as Gerrard - hide in the crowd, hope he chases a ball down and falls over the edge - pop up as the fake Gerrard while crowd sit on the real one - run around field pretending to have long legs and take endless shots from 50 yards - give the ball to $80 million Andy Carroll and watch him fold under the pressure. Bound to work...

COYI -$20 for the first comment explaining that....

Oh, videos to come. Technology is getting the best of me today.

Waking up to the Bobby Moore 'south' end view......

Waking up with the Bobby Moore 'south' end outside the window is pretty surreal for a Hammers fan. If the glass doors weren't locked it would have been a midnight kick around for the lot of us!

For the record, this is the story so far.....

Flight to Heathrow from Indy via Philly worked - silly English lady at Philly got mad at the bus waiting for a plane to clear the jetway. Obviously she needs to be a Jedi to move a plane - cos tapping the window and pointing doesn't work.

Picked up at Heathrow after grabbing 5 hours sleep on the flight. Took a cracking drive to Upton Park around the A406 and marveled at Londoners enduring pleasure to sit in traffic.

Arrived at Upton Park. Magic. Walked in the fancy doors - checked in and spent a while just looking at the view from the room.....

We spent time talking with Ben Illingworth, Operations Manager at West Ham United and Mike Kelleher, Manager of the International Academy. The duo keep the US based work moving on either side of the pond, but obviously Ben's role here at Upton Park takes on many aspects of the club.

A short drive over to the Chadwell Heath training ground proved the east of London has not changed; congested, ethnically diverse and on the go. Public transport is supposed to help traffic but you could get off at a stop and run to the next one before the same bus got there. No, I didn't try it. Only Millwall fans do stuff like that.

Met Paul Heffer, Academy Assistant Director at the training ground. Alongside Nick, Ian, Trevor and other academy coaches. Nick is the Education Officer and ensures a smooth link between the schools. Up to a certain age only boys living no more than a one hour drive from Chadwell Health can train there. All academies have specific rules and West Ham is no exception.

Paul is a long time friend. He played alongside Bobby Moore in the 60's and is responsible for developing some of England's outstanding talents; Ferdinand, Lampard, Cole, Johnson etc. As ever, Paul has a magic blend of humor and seriousness.

You get pretty quickly why this place is special. We all coach the game - but the attention to detail, careful review of coaching techniques while respectful of the 'West Ham' way and coaching style all make it work. I know many of us get out there and do a good job each day but this place is to youth football what Mecca is to Islam.

We watched some coaching sessions - U10 and U12, plus some 6 year olds. The standard of play is frightening - and then you pick out kids like Teddy who quite simply has 'got it' even within this group. Ian and Trevor put the kids through their paces making sure the boys are working hard, extending themselves and having fun. The attention to detail and individual player input is impressive.

Earlier we sat with Mike, Ben and Paul in the press room - with Avram Grant's office door to the right. It opened during our q & a session - everyone held their breath.....but only a security guard poked his head out. Shame, I was ready to ask for a trial.....

The day ended with dinner - pie followed by apple crumble. Come on, that makes a grey east London day worth it! Good discussion, some funny banter and a plan to get on the pitch this coming Sunday, which I'll leave till the end of this post.

First impressions? Well this....
- I love the club and especially Paul and his team. You forgive the first team when you see how their work turns out such talent.
- The simplicity of it all. Coaching methods, drills expectations.
- The family feel to everything
- Quality despite, at times, use of simple facilities. No Chelsea-esque budgets here.
- The people. Especially people like Paul.

I hope to add more details as I go along. I take pictures and video of all I can - I writing this on an Ipad and dependent upon Jill and Stacy to stick the visuals in for me along the way. If you can see a pic above thank them!

There'll be no pics or video of the kids. That's strictly of the table in the UK. There are very clear guidelines for child protection on that. Even at West Ham. Even at a place where to be accepted means $500 of personalized gear for your son. That's right folks - parents don't pay a penny. And how much are you paying for you children to play...?

Final two notes.

1) Planning to, at least take pics of David Gold's Bentley in car park this morning. May test the thing if the door is open.

2) Worked out one way to get on the pitch this Sunday. Make a suit out of turf - then at night dig a 'Matthew' shaped divot in the pitch and lie in it for a few days. I could jump up as Gerrard is about to shoot and nick the ball. Must plan carefully for pigeons and mowers however.

More tomorrow.....

Trip of a lifetime - and an inside view of 'The Academy of Football'

Bags packed – including custom Adidas predator with name, fav number and England flag.

About to take the trip of a lifetime – one week with the Youth Academy Coaching staff at West Ham United.

Now – one of two things will happen….

a)      I’ll spend a fabulous week thanks to Mike Kelleher, West Ham International Academy Director observing some of England’s best coaches – capped by watching the Hammers crush Liverpool on the 27^th.

OR

b)      While out on the Chadwell Health training ground, just observing a U12 coaching session with Paul Heffer, Robert Green will clear a ball on the senior field and the wind will push it over to me – and with my $300 boots on, I’ll clock it out of the corner of my eye, bring it down with the outside of my left foot, turn, look up and knock it 45 yards into the path of Scot Parker, who’ll volley it into the top corner. Now, at this point their game stops and Avram Grant wanders over. Quick chat and next I’ve got 15 minutes at left midfield to get a contract. Only 41 years young but still got it…hopefully.

OR

c)      Fabio Capello is over for a cup of tea with Tony Carr, sees the whole thing and calls up the FA about getting this ‘never-heard-of-before’ guy into the England squad. I’ll end up captain and lift the World Cup in Brazil, while shaking hands with Pele, Zico and anyone else who is so good at the game they only need one name.

OR

d)     Nah, its getting a bit silly now….

I’ll be blogging everyday – starting tomorrow. Life as a coach at West Ham United. Home of ‘The Academy of Soccer’ – pics, write-ups and video. Put the kettle on and make yourself comfortable – it’s going to be a cracker.

West Ham v Chicago Cubs and a book you MUST read!

Here is the book you must read. I’ll explain later and you can borrow my copy if you like!

WELL….. I did something I never normally do on Saturday afternoon. I turned the TV soccer off with 20 minutes to go. That’s right, the same weekend the Premier League set a new record for goals. I bet you can’t guess which game? Newcastle v Arsenal. The gooners were cruising with a 0-4 lead and I figured ‘time to load the washing machine…’  Who knew that Alan Pardew (yes, the ex West Ham Coach) would turn his Jordie team around having sold their main striker and nick 4 goals to steal a draw. Come back Pards – we love you now.

I have walked away from only one live game in my life – at Upton Park. West Ham were losing 0-1 to some bunch of idiots and I decided to leave early. You know, beat the rush n’ all that. Walking round the back of the old east stand DeFoe stuck a late equalizer in and the roar of the crowd told me all I needed to know. I remember watching England v Hungary at the old ‘Wembley’. Terrible seats down behind the goal and the only magic was watching Lineker make amazing runs across the pitch. England scraped a draw and I was with a few tennis coaches (clearly a mistake to start with). They wanted to leave FIFTEEN minutes early. I nearly cried. Wars have been declared, fought, won and lost in less time than that. We all know how long Mr. Clough (The Damned United) said it takes to score a goal. I could, therefore (albeit physically impossible yet mathematically on the cards) be missing 900 goals. I compromised. We stood at the top of the stairs watching England hold onto the draw. Then ran for the tube. I never took them again.

The other time (and yes, I know I am digressing a little here) I went to Wembley in the evening was England v Argentina. AND I was with a friend from Argentina. Again a draw, but a great game and a night when England wore those great cherry red ‘thick’ shirts. That was the first time I really understood why Gary Neville always looked at the ground, when playing for England during the national anthem line ups as the camera runs across their faces. He couldn’t look up and sing – he was too emotional. I got it that night. Neville retired this weekend. Cut from the same cloth as Stuart Pearce I think.

The magical moment at the Argie game was not the match itself but walking out after the game. The old Wembley had a wide pedestrian walkway down and then up to Wembley Park tube station. It was around 10pm, dark and cold as several thousand of us walked behind mounted police. At the underpass the police stopped us – the station platforms were full and we were the next round to go in. There was a cold silence as we all stood, 4 thousand of us with 8 or 9 police on horses. Suddenly someone shouted: “I’m Spartacus!”. Silence. He then said: “come on…..I’m Spartacus!” Slowly the crowd responded with shouts of: “NO, I’m Spartacus”. The police just sat and looked at us. Oh well, I may see a copper smile one day.

OK – back to the story. Even Inter and Roma managed 8 goals, 4 of which came in the last 30 minutes. West Ham? Couldn’t even score one against those muppets from Birmingham. I call them muppets freely as I have actually never met a Birmingham City fan in my life. I suspect they are all clones like those Stormtroopers from Star Wars without the white suits, guns and generally high level of marching skills etc.

My depression reminded me of a conversation I had once. Not an argument, oh no, not with this chap. Just a conversation. It went like this…

(me) “So West Ham are a club that people like because they play good football and have a good history, a bit like the (Chicago) Cubs…”

(him) “Oh, I don’t think so. The Cubs have far more fans than West Ham and are more popular.”

That was it. I backed off from my (typically when someone stamps on the Hammers) next comment….

(me) “MATE, do you see the tattoo? Do you see it, MATE? There’s only one thing worth doing with a bat at Wrigley Field and that’s sticking it……etc” 

You see my point I suspect. Anyway, I did some thinking on the Hammers v Cub thing so here we go. Now, Chicago is about as big as London – but there are only 2 baseball teams whereas London has over 20 soccer teams with at least 6 in the Premier League. Everyone in the world plays soccer. Last time I checked more countries were affiliated with FIFA than the United Nations. So lots of people know West Ham and last time I checked no one was playing catch with a ‘mitt’ on the beach in Rio.

Anyway. West Ham United v Chicago Cubs

Why are the two teams similar?

1)       They lose a lot. ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ clearly should be sung at Wrigley

2)       Cute location, lots of people walking to games

3)       Plenty of hearty cheering despite results

4)       Terrible food and beer at both locations

5)       Perfect grass at both locations

6)       Old and somewhat historic stadiums

7)       Usually full attendance despite no chance of a win

8)       Both teams have players who drop the ball a lot

9)       Tendency to lose badly in especially important games

10)   Lots of time spent in bars post match to drown sorrows

Why are the two teams different?

1)       The Cubs play 4,000 games a year so clearly can’t be bothered

2)       You can drink your weak beer IN your seats at Wrigley, which helps on bad days

3)       The Wrigley bathrooms make a cell toilet in Guantanamo Bay look 5 star

4)       We don’t bother singing the National Anthem at Upton Park, we sing BUBBLES

5)       People don’t swear at baseball. Nor do they abuse the opposition.

6)       It’s cold all the time at Upton Park.

7)       West Ham players spit for a reason, rather than just to look cool or hard, like the Cubs

8)       There are no cute girls at Upton Park

9)       We fight people after the game at Upton Park

10)   There are travelling fans singing abuse at us at Upton Park, which is desired

OK. I do like the cubs and have seen the likes of Sandberg, Sosa and the guy ‘with the nearly profane last name’ hit home runs. Baseball can be like soccer. We too will still for a long time and be prepared to see only one goal, but the refs don’t wear masks and only the goalkeeper wears gloves.

Hammers v Cubbies – a winner? I’ve no idea. But all three of my kids can sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’ and ‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ – priceless.

Just for kicks – if there was a depressing moment at Upton Park and we sang some kind of ‘seventh innings stretch’ it would be this:

“Get me out to the Boleyn; get me out to the pub.

Buy me a lager and a bar snack, I don’t care if I ever go back.

So its 3 points down the drain old mate,

The Hammers never win big games,

For its ‘oops he dropped it’ and they scored

Once again…”

And the book? It is very good book and has tremendously interesting perspectives and analysis of the game across the world. As an Englishman it was hard to get past the first chapter entitled ‘Why England loses and others win….’

Don't ever buy this book. However bad the cabin fever is...

Don't ever buy this coaching book.

More on that later...

Cabin fever is starting to set in after three days without school. It is pretty cold outside and even a good old 1970’s orange ball is not enough to entice me outside for a kick around. Indiana is cold – despite being further ‘south’ than London, really bloody cold. However, 14F (-10C) on a crisp clear day is miles better than a cold, wet and windy day on the south east coast without a tree for shelter in site.

This has brought back memories of soccer in the wet and cold. I moved through several phases of ‘cold management’ throughout my playing life. And in summary (and proving I am struggling with the been inside for a long time thing):

Stage One: No control whatsoever. Cub Scout Soccer.

These were the early days before I knew what cold was. They didn’t let us play in the cold. Foggy, yes. Frosty, maybe. Freezing, no chance.

Stage Two: Shut up and get on with it son. School Soccer.

I wore a strangely mesh-like white shirt that was three sizes too small. My forearms stuck out of the shirt and it never stayed tucked in at the waist. You did not have anything extra if on the subs bench. I clearly remember playing a game over on Canvey v Cornelius. Drainage issues on the reclaimed land (thanks Holland) meant the ball was forever in the ditch. It was a grim, soulless, windswept place. Weak goalkeepers often never cleared the penalty areas with goal kicks. I remember watching the winter storm ride east up the Thames valley while drifting aimlessly out on the right wing. It started raining, then sleeting. It was thoroughly miserable. As the sleet hit us sideways I remember the ball being rolled diagonally across the box about 15 yards ahead of me. All I had to do was move my arse and stick it in the back of the net, but I didn’t. I was too cold and that memory has lived with me all my life. Ok, therapy time over.

Stage Three: The thermal t-shirt. School soccer onwards.

Now I was in business, thanks to a nifty purchase by my mum. The ‘ribbed for extra warmth’ shirt was the ticket. My upper body was warm and suddenly life existed. No help with the rest of your body. I remember a cold day v Park School. The keeper cleared the ball during a mêlée in the penalty area and it hit me right in the nuts. As the ball dropped I poked the ball in the back of the net. It wasn’t until we reset at the halfway line the pain started to set in. Colder might have helped that day.

Stage Four: Bicycle shorts. College onwards.

We all thought we were the business with our black lycra undershorts on. That’s real lycra you know, not cheapo Woolworths special stretchy material. It was a fashion statement and the question was how far did you have them sticking out below your shorts. Didn’t do anything for your chances of reproducing however and the girls were more interested in 100m men’s sprinting on telly now.

Stage Five: Upper body v Lower body. The Borough Rovers Days.

There was couple of years where regardless of thermal t-shirt or undershorts, I experimented with warming up on cold days with either extra bottoms only or an extra top only. At the end no real decision either way. That could be because it rained most of the time so whatever you wore was soaking wet – or because key sections of my memory were lost following the post match analysis (which loosely translates as ‘drink at the rugby club-oh its curry night stay for a few more beers-and its karaoke night too, well you should have said and yes I’d love another pint of whatever the hell I just drunk 6 pints of).

Stage 6: The all-in-one. Rayleigh Town and retirement.

Now this was the holy grail of winter outfits. I recently saw an ATT man working up a pole with one on the other day and he looked cozy. This was cozy. In fact, so cozy it really forced you to think twice when deciding if you should take one of those ‘as a sub I am warming up in the hope you, the coach, are thinking of putting me on’ runs. It was Antarctic proof. I mean market them to penguins and there is no need for all the standing around for half the year. The lack of a personal bathroom facility built into the suit was a downside, but it was supremely warm. Too warm in fact. And cozy, yes really cozy…

Stage 7: USA

Who the hell plays soccer outside in the winter? I now play indoors. I have recently discovered the venue; Off The Wall Sports actually strips about 5% of the available oxygen from the air and sells it off. My lungs feel like we are playing in Nepal. Temperature is no longer an issue. The problem is those games at 10:25pm. Now, I could start on that issue….but will spare you the ‘classic red cards through time’.

Like most outdoor sports, the climate during which the game is played has an impact on styles of play. The English game is fast and there are similarities in Scandinavia etc. If you don’t get moving you freeze. Southern Europe and warmer climates have played a slower game. Less need to get warm and more importantly to pace yourself in the heat or humidity. South American countries rarely win the F.I.F.A. World Cup when it is held in Europe. South Africa hosted during their winter and at the same time zone and Europe. Despite ESPN et al’s attempts to sell us South American magic post USA exit, only one team, Uruguay, made it to the semi-finals. You should put money on Brazil or Argentina for 2014. Brazil is hosting and I’ll be surprised if a European country win.

One would hope a windy and cold country like England would produce a fast and skilful game played on the ground. Maybe the muddy fields counter that theory. Unfortunately for many years the English game was plagued with ‘longballitis’ and the main tactic was pump it up for the big lump upfront to knock it in. It works when defenders lack the skill to control the ball as the errors from the long ball pressure build up. Much of this ‘style’ was created following a statistical study by Charles Hughes of the number of passes leading up to a goal. Most goals are scored with one touch or less. So, errors, corners, free kicks, penalty kicks all drive the data in that direction. But the F.A. made the mistake of assuming less passes = more goals. Tactics became pump it forward and that led to a lack of technical skill development.

As I mentioned at the start, don’t buy this book, unless you like classic ‘Roy of the Rovers’ style volleying technique from Kevin Keegan:

 Of course you know I am going to mention West Ham at this point – but it is relevant. The Hammers style has never been about the long ball. It may help to relieve pressure at times, enable an ‘out of position’ defender to be exploited or allow a strong forward to collect, hold and wait for his team to move and support – but there is no real quality. It’s one of the reasons England hasn’t won the World Cup for a long time, and probably wont for a long time to come. Now, if every club in England followed the same system as the Hammers Youth Academy then maybe. If you are interested in finding out what does work it is worth looking into the system of coaching at clubs like Ajax in Holland.

That, of course is another entire blog.

So, what did we gather from this cold / long ball blog? I am not sure really. I can tell you I do not wear undergarments designed to keep me warm while playing soccer any more. I am a ‘soft’ indoor soccer player who complains to my good friend Mark Thacker each spring when we do have to play on that ‘cow field’ outdoors at Eagle Creek. Many of my memories are of cold, wet and windy locations, which is ironic as I am from the south east of England. Traditionally the driest and at times warmest spot in the country.

Just for kicks, here are the five places I have never, and hope to never play soccer in England. This is entirely based on temperature and rainfall. The fish & chips may be great but don’t bother to pack the sun cream. Dress for a visit to Pluto / Monsoon and you’ll be quids in.

1)      Grimsby

2)      Hartlepool

3)      Workington

4)      Sunderland

5)      Morecambe

Sorry to residents of these towns. I know you all hate Southend if that makes you feel better.