Apologies for the lack of weekend blog. School has started. So now my quiet hallways have a bunch of over-enthusiastic and super language speaking students banging up and down.It wasn't until earlier today that the theme of my blog dawned on me - and I'm hoping to entertain you a little. Firstly some updates....
1) ISI Gryphon Soccer is officially into it's 3rd week. We play a JV game in Anderson Thursday and away at Park 'really, was your school built around the time when Henry VIII was on the throne?' Tudor on Saturday at 11am. Come watch. Corner of 71st and College. The lads are doing OK - fitness is worrying but the touches are coming back. We'll see...2) The Hammers are back in business. After bossing Cardiff on opening day and then letting one slip in in the 89th min - they have been on the road and grabbed 6 points. a 0-1 win at Doncaster and a 0-4 drubbing at Watford tonight. Sorry Elton.
3) Joey Barton. He must be mates with Jason Statham. Maybe he should play for Watford.
4) Me on TV again.....
OK. Let's get on with the show. Now, to protect my professionalism I am going to refrain from formally mentioning the official 'organization' I was working with while completing an 'online' coaching / rules interpretation blah blah thingy today. But to be honest with you after 90 minutes of answering questions and soaking up beaurocratic administration of soccer I am worried. Worried that I might clean my teeth with an illegal toothpaste on match-day or wear the wrong kind of underpants for a game because they don't carry the official bloody stamp of the Pope etc. In a nutshell I am trying to decide if what I did today is more officious yet mind-blowingly ridiculous than say, Vogons or the former Soviet Union.
So let's get on with it. Here is what I can do / cannot do this season while coaching and a few other gems thrown in....
a) Use a cell phone.
I mean - like I am going to twitter how crap the refs are? Oh, I was going to . How about my iphone4? I video a bunch of stuff. I am now worried the use of my former crackberry to explain the 'offside' rule has permeated the inner sanctum of 'the organization'. Please check an earlier blog for the full majesty of that one. Oh by the way - it's isisoccer if you want to follow matchday tweets and selfonsoccer for random tweets and abuse. I'll be using bad language.
b) Play in anything other than white at home.
So, is this some kind of puritanical 'purification' of all soccer teams when playing at home? Yes, it easier for the ref - however based on my 'blackberry' incident it stands to reason that most refs cant ref anyway. Yes, that's right. We're the team in the boring white strip while 500 screaming fans wave boring white scarves etc etc. Cos every other soccer team on the planet wear their full colors when playing away. Oh they don't. Sorry.
c) Keep the keeper on after he receives treatment during a game.
That's right. My one keeper, Kiyan for the Varsity Team has to come off if he receives treatment during the game. OK refs - any thoughts on that one. I'll ask the refs what they intend to do when we play. I name one keeper. Once again, because the rest of the planet does this - oh they don't. Again.
d) Have a big count down at the end of the game.
So soccer is meant to flow. Everywhere else the ref controls the timing - if the full 80 or 90 minutes is up while an attack is in progress the ref will let it be completed. Here - the commentator counts the last 10 seconds down regardless. It's moronic and pointless especially when you are 0-1 down.
e) Cannot play on a Sunday. Or practice.
Hello. This sounds a little biblesque to me. OK - maybe in the past coaches (probably in Football - the egg version and BBall) have pushed their players to the limit. So take Sunday off! Right. Give them a rest. This is an organization who in one hand controls when players can play and practice and yet in the other gives no formal advice on how long or how often (in one day) a team should practice. So maybe I'm Jewish. Sunday's are good for me - Saturday is the problem. Not so B'shert me thinks.
f) Cannot coach 'inter-mural' sports during the official season
You have to be joking. It's all sounding like a bunch of rules to ensure no-one gets good at soccer. I'll need to go back and check that again. So , like am I allowed to do my job each day - teach PE? Maybe I should hide under the desk and sleep between practices.
g) Cannot have stripes that are not 'predominantly dark'.
This really is frigging classic. So in Indiana, Newcastle United would be stuffed. The white strips on their kit is too wide. Heaven's it's the same width as the black stripes - how devilish! I am sure there is a really important reason why this is the case. It escapes me for now, however.
h) Coaches have to carry a magicians hat and keep a white bunny ready for action.OK - I made that up. It would be fun though and a good distraction when the ref was being a spanner.
So, here are my suggestions for a positive step forward....
1) Let us wear club colors at home. Let us celebrate who we are with our supporters.
2) Educate ex-players to be refs.
3) Sort out the bully coaches who shout crap for 80 minutes.
4) Let the game flow - refs can manage the time.
5) Let us coach who we want when we want - all year.
6) Have leagues. Sectionals are OK - but not alone.
7) Ban '2 a days' - it is illegal in the UK in any decent soccer club.
8) Educate your supporters and kick out idiot parents who have no idea what they are saying.
Right. There we go.
Sorted.
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