England v Switzerland? Oh dear......

I always tell my dad, at the end of a phone call, to not worry about the Hammers, they’ll be ok. Nothing has changed on that note. Even after Valon Berahmi’s comments in the press this week - more on that next time. But now I have something to really worry about now: England’s performance versus Switzerland.

I can cope with a ‘bottom of the premier league club run by three muppets and destined to lose whenever Scott Parker is on the bench and they are blowing another 2 goal halftime lead’. But 11 men picked to play for their country who put that performance together is a bloody nightmare. Give me a chance to pull the shirt on and play at the new Wembley and I am going to literally die for my country. Only defending Lionel Messi may show up some 42 year old inadequacies - but otherwise it’s a Stuart Pearce / Julian Dicks type performance. In fact, as mentioned before I would be the ‘Bruce Willis’ of the game taking at least 4 Swiss down with me as the inescapable vortex sucked me into the fifth dimension in a selfless act of sacrifice to save my young and inexperience crew oh, and planet Earth. I’d also tell Jack Wilshire to tuck his shirt in and stop looking like a tart.

'suck it up son and stick a wig on'

But no, not these England lads. Are they tired? Has Capello lost control of the squad which is why some big names were out shopping / taking the dog out for a walk / having a hair transplants? Does Stuart Pearce scare them in the dressing room to the extent that even NASA style incontinent pants become somewhat unreliable? Or are they, as I suspect, inadequate against the majority of international teams and players? There are some talented players. Going forward, Glen Johnson always looks dangerous, in a straight line Theo Walcott is a speed machine (but that may be it), Jack Wilshire looks to be a skillful and tenacious players (and a nutter) and Frank Lampard and Scott Parker have the ability for short incisive passes. Hey, don’t worry because we have Gareth Barry..... It seemed depressingly obvious at times that our best struggle to match the world class players of Spain, Brazil and Argentina.

Hey guys - space knickers rock!

Now, I’ve spoken at length about the quality of the talented players that come through the Academy at West Ham. It makes me proud to see 4 out there for England, plus a current first team player. I do believe the manner in which players are developed at Chadwell Heath is as close as we get to producing top class professionals. Something is going wrong on a bigger and higher level for a country with such a tradition in Football to look so average against lowly Switzerland. One of the moments that clearly signaled that we are not up to the challenge was a   long and cross field ball played forward to Walcott. With his back to the sideline he received the ball at chest height and his first touch put the ball at the feet of the Swiss defender. I would expect a player at that level to have the ball right at the his feet - or have opened up and be off down the line. It just seemed disappointing the ball was not under control and you need that level of control to be effective on the International Stage. Spain destroyed the USA last Saturday - it seems to be a rare occasion that England can do that to another country.

OK, maybe that is enough about the national team for now. The happy Hammers? Well, Sam Allardyce got the nod and every West Ham fan is wondering if the midfield are going to be bypassed as we embark on a ‘route one’ bender. A friend posted on Facebook that it was ‘route one football’ at Upton Park from now on. Well, I suspect most Hammers’ fans would say ‘whatever it takes’ to get back up. Interestingly, things have changed in the Championship somewhat. Reading may have been labelled as a ‘route one’ team, but they failed at the last hurdle. Teams like Norwich play a quality brand of football, so maybe you can be successful playing attractive football down in the doldrums of the old Division 2.

Now, what were the FA thinking when they came up with that re-naming idea? I grew up with Division 1, 2, 3 and 4. Now we have The Premier League, the Championship and League 1 and 2. What a load of crap. It’s like the Government re-naming the nuclear re-processing plant Windscale ‘Sellafield’ after the 1957 fire (which scored a 5 out of 7 on the ‘International Nuclear Event’ scale - Chernobyl and Fukushimi score a 7 if you are interested). So lets compare and contrast the scaling system of international nuclear incidents with the vertical league structure of the Football League....(it’s a long shot, I know, but give me a chance here....)

OK, the International Nuclear Event Scale - with ‘local bloke equivalent comment’:

Level 1 - ‘wake me up when something happens’
Level 2 - ‘oh, OK....but where’s my shinpads?’
Level 3 - ‘that’s about as exciting as listening to a Spurs fan talk about their 1960/61 season’
Level 4 - ‘don’t know what is all the bleeding fuss is about...’
Level 5 - ‘love, why is there a spaceman in the garden with a clicker thing?’
Level 6 - ‘maybe Wayne Rooney should stick his head in there, might make his hair grow’
Level 7 - ‘this new milk is bloody marvelous; glows in the dark and the kids have three arms’

So, in football league lingo, it could be like this.....(using current names for each league)

League 2 - ‘tell that Southend Utd fan they haven’t been promoted 2 years running’
League 1 - ‘I remember when Notts County were in Division 1, oh, they still are’
The Championship - ‘that must be crap, Millwall play in it’
The Premier League - ’20 teams? You’re kidding, I thought there was just 4...’

So we, the ‘misled and foolish’ members of society are led to believe that something with a fancy name is suddenly better and worth paying TV companies a ton a money to have the honor of watching. That would be like re-naming radiation ‘magic moon beams’ or calling cyanide ‘Bakewell tart’.

In 1979 Ford car terminology, the Premier League would be a ‘Ghia’. All that means is it comes with a stereo with two knobs to turn and intermittent wipers....