You're giving me a red card for that....?

A lot has happened since starting the blog: a partnership with West Ham United International Academy, two trips to London, the first regional camp in Indiana and the Hammers continuing to teeter on the brink of the championship abyss. Of course, the F.A. will never allow West Ham to be relegated - nor will the Metropolitan Police, the Major of London or, as a matter of fact, the Queen. West Ham being relegated means there could be two events next season that eclipse all imaginable disasters. Two games for the Irons against Millwall. So, in the name of national security, the Hammers will not go down. Ahh, I hear you say. Maybe Millwall will be promoted. That event is also protected by the Queen et al. It would be like the moment in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis open the big box and get more than they bargained for. I mean the very worse stuff from the Bible. Like Superman 3 when he goes all black and bad but without the ‘don’t worry ‘cos Christopher Reeve always finds a way to defeat evil’ ending kind of ending. For me, it’ll be an eternity of watching a double whammy of ‘The Notebook’ followed by “Pretty Woman’. Only digesting yourself from your inside would set you free.

OK - can't remember if I've included this before - and as I keep mentioning the 'Partnership'

Sorry. I was trying to say I read some old blogs and reminded myself of promises I made to you. One was about me and football misconduct. Not a tremendously shocking story, yet worthy of mention. I am not exactly the ‘Roy Keane’ of football. Neither Wayne Rooney, who without a career in soccer, would probably be fighting every night down at the local. Not me. I’ve stood uselessly with a tenner in my hand at the pub for hours waiting to be served. But I did have a thought inspired by recent events in Japan. And it’s this. The relationship between the number of yellow / red (or blue - thanks Dave Howard) cards I have received in my life and the dates I received them is not linear. It’s exponential.


How does Japan conjure that up? The Richter Scale. You see it’s not a linear scale, so, an earthquake of magnitude, say 10, is not twice as bad as one at 5. 5 is pretty tricky. It shakes the shelves and wakes you up at 3am. A ten splits the earth in half and all the runny yellow hot stuff comes out. We then require Bruce Willis, wearing a white vest, no shoes, sporting bloody bruises and a ‘I’m leaving my badge in the desk drawer’ kinda attitude to jump inside some crazy machine NASA made, drill / fly / hover into the middle of the earth, plant some kind of magnetic-super-fusion explody thing and save the planet. Oh, he has a nutty scientist who is really a robot, a handsome but overly militaristic pilot (who breaks out a hand weapon at some point to the total surprise of the crew), a buddy who is a recovering alcoholic and a really hot chick. At some point the ‘machine’ will get hot - thus forcing the crew to sweat and take lots of clothes off. Then someone will have to swim under water (for the kind of length of time that makes watchers suffocate) to press a button that is important. Oh, that would be the ‘now scantily clad’ hot chick. The mad scientist tries to kill everyone - but gives them too much time while mono-logging about his dysfunctional childhood - and thus fails to kill anyone. The buddy sacrifices himself to jump in and get something important from the really hot stuff. he dies. The scientist dies. The pilot loses a leg but gains Bruce’s respect. Bruce saves the planet. The hot chick remains hot and yet chiily at the same time and still has lipstick on.

So, 10 on the Ricther scale is bad.

And I spent a very long time playing soccer before getting any kind of card from the ref. But once it started it kind of grew on me. Here is the truth - with very approximate time periods identified.

Creation of the Earth. Not much soccer. Only Bruce can survive such temperatures.
1982. I pick up a yellow card for kicking the ball away. I am horrified and no longer pure.
1995. Red card. And it wasn’t my fault. The ref sent both us off - he was kicking - I was diving.
2001. Said a rude word to the ref with respect to how bad his decision was. Yellow. Upset.
2004. Arrived in the USA and was introduced to the ‘blue card’ - off for 2 mins if naughty.
2007. Received a blue card. Apparently local people in Indiana haven’t heard of tackling.
2009. Said a very bad word while youngsters present. Deal with Dave Howard to card me if repeated.
2010. Earn a number of ‘blues’ from Matt after generally bad tackles, especially man in German shirt.
2010 - Sept. Blue. Dave. I’m sorry but they fouled me. Got nothing. Mouth. Emailed apology
 2010 - Nov. Blue. Matt. Didn’t have a problem but Matt seemed to give me one. Bad language.
 2011 - Walked off field after trying to help a guy about to cream me and conceding a free kick.
 Current - In therapy.
To be honest with you, the best one never got picked up by a ref. I’ll tone the language down a little - and set the scene first. Know that in England, to shout at someone as they are about to shoot etc is not only unheard of but probably an offense for ungentlemanly conduct. Like you cannot shout ‘my ball’ when try to head - you have to call a name. Not so in Indiana. I am running with the ball while being tracked by, who we shall call ‘Larry’. There is a fair amount of tussling going on but I am in and about to shoot. As I am about to strike the ball Larry - shouts MISS right in my ear. I simply stop in my tracks and look at him. Conversation as follows:
Me - ‘what the blazes was that?’
Larry - ‘me shouting at you’
Me - ‘you don’t want to do that again’
(and here comes the worse thing you can say to me as the red mist rises)
Larry - ‘what you gonna do about it?’
Me - ‘I’m gonna break you blazing legs, Larry’

It felt good at the time. Sadly, very poor form. Larry isn’t really a nice fellow, somewhat gregarious and rude. Oh well, Larry deserved it. If my mate Bruce was playing with me he would have broken Larry’s leg there and then, just to get the special code for the magnetic-super-fusion explody thing. Plus he wouldn't just break his leg - he'll kind of stand on it and make the guy scream.  And then we would have looked really cool and saved the planet. To top it off? The hot, yet now ‘slightly wet and chilly’ chick turns out to be Bruce’s daughter and I am quids in.

WHU-IA Regional Camp - Indianapolis

So, last blog was ‘Top 5 worse bathrooms’. Described by one as ‘compelling stuff’. I guess the job at the NYTimes is a bridge too far and on FB I have been accused of being a fat bloke diving in the trough at Wrigley Field. OK - Wrigley is a classic place to watch baseball. Just hang out on Waveland and pick up a few balls hit out of the ballpark. It’s just not the Cubbies who are hitting them there.

So, to the real story. Indiana’s first ever West Ham United International Regional Camp. You can see additional pics here.

We welcomed over 70 boys and girls to the International School of Indiana for a 3 day regional camp that put players through the same drills and practices used at West Ham’s ‘Academy’. For many it was a chance to greatly expand their soccer experience and for a few it was an opportunity to try to move up to National Level.

The camp enables the US based West Ham coaching staff to work with players in each location using the ‘Academy’ coaching methods and expectations. A select few are invited to move on to one of the two National Camps in July. At those camps, Tony Carr MBE and Paul Heffer work with the groups. Tony is the Director of the Academy and Paul the Assistant Director. They have over 50 years of West Ham ‘Academy’ coaching between them and have developed players such as Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Glen Johnson, Jermaine Defoe, Michael Carrick etc. Many other players such as John Terry spent time at the Academy, too.

For the majority of players it is a chance to work with coaches outside their typical clubs and have an insight and experience to the coaching game at an English Premier League Club. Premier League Club? Some of you might say West Ham currently run a great risk of being relegated to the Championship (old Div 2). As a lifelong Hammers fan I can tell you that is something you get used to. West Ham have turned out great players regardless. Trevor Brooking represented England even playing for a Hammers team in the old division 2. It’s only TV money and billionaires that have led us down the path of financial ruin an instant glory. Quality takes time. Just count how many European titles Chelsea have won since Russian oil money arrived. Do the same with Man City for the next decade. QPR in Europe? Maybe. Winners? Not likely. So, while the media rants on about whatever the Academy at West Ham quietly gets on with it’s job.

Back to the kids. Three sessions; all very intense and really pushing the players to the edge - not just technically, but intellectually too. Youtube soccer skills and you’ll see an aray of unbelieveble skills. But, mostly, it’s a sideshow. A circus. Stick the guy juggling the ball up on the lampost into the middle of a Madrid derby and see what happens. The drills are game related, contain both a simplicity yet are potentially multi-layed. You have to not only have control of the ball but also a keen awareness of what is going on around you. Knowing what you are going to do with the ball before you get it is crucial. The best players also seem to know what you are going to do with the ball before you do too.

The players spent time working on ‘playing the way you are facing’ on day 2. I appreciate that having spent a few years at ISI working with players who want to turn into danger - give the ball away and then watch the opponents put us under pressure. Vision; seeing the ‘picture’ alongside great communication are essential.

Day three included some 1v1, finishing and small sided games. It was great to see many players develop over the three days, especially with their confidence on the ball. Developing better awareness is part of an ongoing learning curve, but to have it emphasized for three days will surely help all the players develop.

To be perfectly honest with you the whole experience makes you want to be 10 again. How good could you be with that quality of coaching each week? An interesting question. How good can someone get with the right motivation and guidance. Maybe not all the way, but a far greater distance along than without. It adds even more fuel to the fire when I think about what can be done with a limited number of players. Like at ISI. The key is simplicity, high standards and a massive emphasis on player development. No child left behind...right?

I would very comfortable describing all the practices the players went through. It’s not rocket science and there is a somewhat ‘open door’ policy at the Academy at West Ham. The key ingredient is the people delievering the program. I worked with Paul Heffer for many years and I can tell you he was magic in any situation with any student or group of them. Think magic in the broadest educational sense. Paul taught PE, took kids to the South of France, worked with students with learning, behaviourial and hearing challenges. He also produced a quarter of the England Squad.

So, great camp. To all the players - well done. Lots of soccer to come. Good luck to those who made it to the National Camp - I’ll see you there in July.

West Ham @ Bolton tomorrow? 3pts on the way to the East End. My Nan wouldn’t expect anything less.

The next ISI soccer camp with 'The Academy of Football' - June 20 - 24   2011
 click here for details of school.isind.org/soccer

A game of two halves....and surviving in between

Sadly, the drastic improvement in results at Upton Park came to a screeching halt last weekend. Since spending a week in London, the Hammers had improved and only lost unfairly away at Stoke in the FA Cup. But all loyal fans will say the 3 points taken from Stoke a week earlier were far more important...

So, as I am putting the players through their paces at the Indianapolis Regional West Ham United International Academy Camp - Mike is keeping quiet because the Red Devils are banging in 4.

The day started well - picked up Mike as Mark Noble scores from the penalty spot. Just a little while longer and the iphone whistles at me - 2:0 Hammers. Halftime approaches and all is well in the world. Attending a West Ham Camp? Well, of course you would seeing as we have scored 6 goals and conceded 0 v Man Utd at home this year.

A lot can happen at halftime. You can wait ages for a cup of watery bovril, take a bite of a steaming cornish pastie then drop the rest, stand uselessly next to 53 other men all trying to pee, miss the kick off and then the only goal West Ham are destined to score that night.

Something clearly happened that night at halftime. Man Utd came back and scored 4. Fergie came down from his directors box seat (having been banned again for mis-conduct) with an especially revved up hairdryer and ripped his players apart. (Ferguson is known as the ‘hair dryer’ due to the effect he has on you when explaining to your face why he is not happy).

The story is simple. When you need the 3pts and your beating a team, again, no one expects you to beat, it all falls apart. West Ham, in an attempt to hold the lead sat too deep and allowed the opposition to play. It’s like this “so boys, what we’ll do is all hide in our penalty box and hope they don’t find our goal”. I’ll liken it to standing really still when a Tyrannosaurus Rex is looking at you, cos’ he might not notice you are there”. Thanks Jurassic Park for that pearl. 65 million years renders the theory defunct.

I guess the point is you can’t sit deep and expect to get away with it - especially against world class players. No, get out there and play your game. Maybe attack is the best form of defense. It definitely makes sense to have the ball if you don’t want them to score. Hiding the ball up your jersey isn’t going to help. Oh well. Forever West Ham.

So instead of sulking, I’ll share this. On the subject of halftime, and for that matter, 53 men trying to pee in the bathroom, I have listed the 5 worse mens bathrooms in England (well, maybe Chicago too).

5: The Crooked Billet, Leigh-on-Sea - outside loo battered by cockle bed winter wind
4: A bar somewhere in Lincoln Park, Chicago - bathroom, what bathroom?
3: Edward Francis School boys toilet, Rayleigh. After Alistair went.
2: Southend-on-Sea public bathrooms by the Arches - a stainless steel hellhole with no seats and a pungent smell that scientists cannot recreate.

1: Wrigley Field - a double walled cattle style trough the entire crowd can fit in. It’s so long that smal waves form when the wind picks up off the lake. You also have no chance of escaping without stepping in about 4,000 other people’s urine.


Sorry, hope you are not eating lunch while reading.

New blog tomorrow with the story of the Indianapolis West Ham United International Academy Camp. Really exciting stuff, balls, cones, kids, dinosaurs...