Win or Lose - it makes no difference.

I know I promised a stellar account of life playing for Fitzwimarc School – however, I feel compelled to impart some wisdom on Indianapolis folks – seeing as the Colts are 6-6 at the moment. Please excuse my overly opinionated views here – feel free to comment if you disagree.

If you support a team in a sport like soccer (or football) and expect them to win all the time you are having a bubble. Manchester United beat Blackburn 7-1 (too much curry at Ewood Park) and then West Ham beat Man U 4-0 a few days later. Go figure. Everyone should support a team that they are prepared to see LOSE. It’s part of the learning experience and let’s face it; if we always got what we wanted life would be pretty dull. So, here are my rules (as of Dec 2010 because US Citizenship may change this one day).

You support a team because:

a)      You are from that town or area

b)      Your entire family supports that team

c)      (exceptional circumstances only) God or someone equivalent speaks to you in some mystical way to show you the way.

d)     Your dad plays for the team.

You do not support a team because:

a)      They win a lot

b)      The players are hot and sexy

c)      You like the color of their strip

d)     The boy / girl you fancy supports them

OK so far? Good, let’s push on. I need to add a ‘having moved a long way from where you grew up’ clause. If you live in another country, you (of course) do not change, but your kids have these options:

1)      They must support the original team you support for the reasons above.

2)      They may pick a local team to also follow.

3)      They may support either country in International fixtures unless your home and new country play each other, then…

4)      They support your country first.

In plain English and using my kids as an example, they are:

1)      West Ham United fans

2)      Allowed to follow either Columbus Crew or Chicago Fire

3)      English or American in International competition

4)      English if England is playing the USA.

5)      Indiana Pacers and Colts fans (just if you were curious).

Good. I hope that clarifies things – feel free to impose these regulations on your family. Now I will explain how to achieve the above. Brainwashing. Not using CIA techniques, but a constant and slow drip feed of singing songs, wearing colors, watching the team, starting fights with Spurs fans etc. I took the triplets to Upton Park when they were 4 years old. If any of my kids want to support Chelsea they are out of the will. It’s that simple. I remember seeing West Brom beat Spurs at

White Hart Lane

as part of a friend’s birthday trip. Foolishly I bought something in the Spurs shop. My Nan went ballistic – so I painted the item claret and blue. Sorted. Nanny Self may have been a frail lady but she ran the show quietly and cooked the best roast potatoes ever. Nanny Min’s gravy and Yorkshire pudding was better than Gordon Ramsey could knock out too.

This blog would be lacking if I did not spend some time on the matter of West Ham United. It’s a family thing, both at home and the club itself. I have said many times that if the Premier League played midweek only - West Ham would be champions. Arsene Wenger said if West Ham held onto the talent they developed they would win the Premier League. You cannot beat the atmosphere of 35,000 odd people crammed into a stadium in the winter at night – with a perfect rectangle of emerald glowing – the smell of pies and cigarettes in the air and a rolling roar every time the ball is played over the halfway line at pace. When West Ham score there is a millisecond of silence as everyone watches to make sure the ball hits the net – then they go mental. I have so many great memories of watching Billy Jennings, Jeff Pike, Alan Devonshire – with my dad at the front of the old West Stand or the chicken run in the East Stand right by the pitch – so close you could talk to the players – or spit at them. Then it was a short walk around the back of the ground, under the flats, down

Wakefield Street

and back to 120. You can still see ‘Ken Self’ carved in the brick outside the school on the corner of

Hartley Avenue

. Grandad Self would be smoking a pipe – watching the results come in. You could here the roar of the crowd from Grandad’s back garden. Then it was time for ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ followed by the “Generation Game’ and then the Saturday movie – which was nearly always ‘The Magnificent Seven’. Bloody marvelous days. It makes you every bit a West Ham United fan – win or lose – rain or shine. It was like having a girlfriend you could strangle at times – but those magic moments kept you in line and coming back for more. And I do, we all do. Magic…