Olympic Glory for the Brits - 2012 Soccer

Future home of West Ham. Sorry Spurs and Orient - get used to it.

 London 2012 - the second time in history England may win something.

Hosting any sporting event has its benefits and drawbacks. There you are happy with your small place in the universe because you have set up a multi-team U7 / U9 / U11 girls and boys soccer tournament on a sunny May afternoon. So far things are going well - lots of happy kids chasing a ball aimlessly around a bumpy grass field - toddlers in strollers with vanilla ice cream dribbling down their cheeks - grandparents happily watching the future of their family play a totally unrecognizable game in which goals are very rare - far too many drinks loaded with sugar, artificial flavor and cancer inducing fake color......

However, beneath the simple joy of a spring soccer event lies a 'scarred for life' kind of experience for you which simply results in a prozac-seeking visit to the doctor come Monday. Horrors, in no particular order may be:

1: Over zealous parent screaming at their daydreaming 6 year old as he pees his pants while standing on the halfway line.
2: Unleased bulldog chasing the ball with F15 heatseeking missile precision. Dog then poops in the goal mouth. A fake tanned mum has a panic attack.
3: Puke in restrooms / overflowing sink / poo blocked toilet - take your pick.
4: Manic coach opting from the 'Bobby Knight School of Coaching' showering players and officials with a barrage of abuse that equates to Holy Jihad. 
The whole event gets turned on its head, usually, because a parent who thinks they know the rules spends 30 minutes lambasting you 'as the organizer' because the high school youth officials you have hired (to build their community service portfolio) clearly have no idea what they are doing and 'their' son plays ODP and 'they' played division 1 soccer for Blah Blah College and now their son is scarred for life etc etc. 

So you spend 3 hours putting the equipment away and picking up litter, dirty diapers and dog turds wondering why you bothered. My personal example? I have one that I'll never forget:
Sept 11 2001. I can tell you where I was as the Twin Towers came down - Basildon Essex. It was the annual 'preseason soccer tournament' at our school. Everyone turned up - played - left and never said a word. It was surreal to hear the news 4 hours later on the car radio driving home. The terror attacks had occurred a couple of hours before we even started playing. Airspace over London had been shut down. No one cared - they just wanted to play in the soccer tournament. 

Organizing a major worldwide sporting event? Well, about the same as above. You just need to add a few extra considerations like:
- complete overhaul to national infrastructure
- possible debt ridden legacy that results in Greece style 'cap in hand' economics
- massive terrorist attack that marks your event in every google search for 100 years
- losing the battle with drug ridden athletes
- Prince Phillip making a comment about Chinese athletes

So, whether it be a local mickey mouse kick-about or a sporting event of historical and planetary significance - you need to be wearing lucky socks. 

The benefits? There is only one for me - if you host you get to play without having to qualify. Of course, that is not the case in the vast majority of sporting events. yet soccer let's you pull a fast one here and guarantee a spot for your country. The one and only time England won the World Cup was in 1966 - when we hosted it. Add a non-English speaking linesman from Russia and bingo - it's a done deal. 

London 2012. A fabulous opportunity for Britain to remind the world why it is Great and a chance for a British team to play, for the first time, in a major soccer tournament on home soil and thus win it. It has the makings of a legend - we just need a few dodgy officials, a great 'song' and the right blend of Brits. 


So, without further ado, I present the following:

1: Dodgy Official. That's an easy one. Just pull the 3 muppets from the infamous game in Rotterdam in 1993 v Holland. They got every decision wrong - disallowed a goal that was not offside, broke several rules re free-kick taking , failed to send off a player for a professional foul. Let's face it, both teams would have been better off with Rick Gervais in the middle with Kermit and the Easter Bunny running the lines. 


2: The song. I suggest the amalgmation of New Order and the Lightning Seeds performing a metamorphys of 'World in Motion' and 'It's Coming Home'. Personally, I could leave the John Barnes rap out of the final product but Gazza must be one of the lead singers. 

3: The Team. The rules here are as follows: U23 years old apart from 3 players (of any age but preferably alive). So, here is the squad as I see it with original team numbers because if someone gave me a shirt with 17 on I'd go grab the substitute's warm up suit and sit on the bench
  
1: Wesley Foderingham : fabulously talented young goalkeeper. My choice over Butland.
2: Chris Smalling - sorry, had to include one Manchester United player and he's not bad.
3: Gareth Bale - anyone who can score on the entire Inter Milan team in Italy is in.
4: James Tomkins - up and coming center back at West Ham. Classy, smooth and has a terrific hairstyle that gives him a 1970's James Bond kind of look (James that is, not John).
5: Phil Jones - oops, another Man U player but I like his grit alongside Tomkins class.
6: Ravel Morrison - described as the most prodigious talent for many a year.
7: Jack Wilshere - fabulous midfielder who seems to be scared of no one. The only current English player who made Barcelona struggle.
8: David Beckham* - simply a legend and scores from set pieces simply through fear. It reminds me of the scene in Gladiator before the slaves enter the arena. Better give the goalie a adult diaper when defending Beck's free-kicks.
9: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain -  Fearless attacking midfield capabilities will be essential Massive upper body too - so wins the 'I can bench press small countries' competition.
10: Robert Hall - Upcoming striker who will return glory to England. West Ham player. Yep.
11: Ryan Giggs* - despite eventually being found out as a bit of a bad boy, still a class act and has a big chip on his shoulder as he needs to do something on the international scene to write himself into the book.
(*oldies)

Coach - David Moyes - no, not because there are no Scots in the team. Passionate, like Pearce, cunning like Ferguson and tight as a gnats chuff like all Scots. 


There it is. I hope I do better than a certain blogger who predicted Andy Carroll would set the world on fire. Now working on songs we can sing that are British...